I has three problems with taking over the universe and overthrowing the set government of this here afterlife. Just three, so actually, I should be being quite content with this plan. Don’t get me wrong, I is fine with it. There be just three things I could easily do without. I don’t bring these things up with Aizen-sama like I could to you, because he ain’t under the pad of my thumb like you is. Take it as a compliment, Izuru-chan.

My first problem be, as you know, I strongly dislike getting me hands dirty. And I’s waist-high in shit right now, as crude as that sounds. We was underestimating Kurosaki Ichigo greatly, but in a way, that helped us out. Upon further calculation, we had discovered that had he not shown up and demolished Soul Society, they would be being much more prepared to fight back. And as I’s sure you’ve noticed they hasn’t even started to try. Unless you count them troublesome fights against the Espada fighting back, nothing be in our way right now.

My second worry with this universal domination thing be the fact that while I like his ideas, I ain’t particularly caring for Aizen-sama. He’s a bit too smart, if you know what I mean. You know perfectly well that I ain’t known to like anyone cleverer than me. In the end, I suppose I can try and drop him, but unless he be following a distinct path and becomes drunk with power, he be stronger than me. So for now, I shall put up with it. Somewhat like Tousen, I is on this side because it seems to be the side with the most advantages. So I really wish you be stop taking it personally, Izuru-chan.

And thus, I is led to my third point. You, Izuru-chan, is what makes me hesitate to do what I need to do. Upon having you assigned as a vice-captain, I knew that I could be easily using you to my advantage, and you ain’t be getting me wrong – I did. The problem is that it worked so well that I’s unsettled by it. You know how paranoid I be. The original plan was that upon being upgraded to the status of a captain, my vice-captain would join our plot.

And this, Izuru-chan, is where you be fucking things up. ‘Cause as you and I both know, you ain’t joining in. I purposely kept you very much in the dark, purposely made you think that I be around forever. It was like a game at first; I suppose I could still be considering it a game. However, as I’s stated before, it went too well. I was thrown off by your personality. From what I remember of you in the academy, you was once an extremely confident student, no? What I got ain’t that confident student, but a shy, pathetic excuse of a man.

I ain’t be judging you by this, however. Achieving the rank of vice-captain be by no means an ordinary feat, especially not right out of the academy. Slowly, ya proved yourself, and in more than one way. I like to be thinking that I’s led you on, made you fall in love with me. However, I can’t lie: instead of being the ice berg I like to think I is, apparently it turns out that I fell in love with you, too.

I didn’t realize it until the climax was there and Soul Society be in chaos; right after Aizen faked his death, if you is so inclined to remember. I thought about it, and realized that I would miss you quite a bit. As if your sword had struck me, so had the weight of your feelings, and the fact that I be returning them. I’m sure you was noticing. Perhaps you blame it on the chaos around us that I was suddenly more irate, that I actually be hitting you once or twice.

Truth is, Izuru-chan, I ain’t regretting that part. Do you know just how tempting your soft, white throat is? Bruises spread like butterfly wings, so softly and so easily. They is usually by my mouth. Do you know just how tempting it be to replace a smiling mouth with my hands, press hard enough to feel the bone, and snap? Blue would look so good on your face, and them eyes would be so wide in terror. You’s so beautiful, hasn’t I told you that often enough? You’d be even prettier dead.

Foxes are selfish creatures, Izuru-chan. I ain’t loving you enough to give up on my cowardice and switch back over to the side of good doing. I will always value my life before yours, and I hope you be knowing it. In fact, I hope it’ll break ya. ‘Cause as soon as you stop looking to the sky with tear-filled eyes and wishing on far-away stars that I’s coming back, I be able to conquer this universe.

And I assure you, Izuru-chan, I’s wiping your existence from said universe first. Ya can take it as a compliment.